A Perfect Human, Part 1

Vulnerability. Just this word is enough to shake me to the core. I tried, really. Been a people pleaser for almost 19 years of my life, It was extremely hard for me to be vulnerable, because I always thought I will be ridiculed, like I was, many times, for being a sensitive person. 

I was reborn, left my past behind, repressed my sensitivity for things, when I turned 19.

“It’s not worth crying for. You are not beautiful when you cry or beg.”

I became stronger, capable, independent, everything I wanted to be. Praises? At the tip of my fingers. Talent? Too many things to count. A jack of all trades, If you will.. but a master of none. Who am I when I am not performing a character? 

It felt amazing, really. I weaponised my sensitivity as “boundaries”, now I have something to back me up when they call me too sensitive. I’m not. Trust me. 

“It’s not emotions, I promise you. I don’t overthink what I’m saying. I don’t plan it. Even If I did, you NEED to know It’s not feelings. I’m naturally supportive like that, please believe me. But I’m also composed. I’m not the same old person who cries about things. I am not sensitive.”

“Please believe me.”

My defence mechanisms got stronger  the more I got validated by my avoidant parents. “Oh yeah I’m juggling a lot of work, while being THIS undeniably good at my hobbies even. Amazing right? Didn’t even break a sweat.”

“A perfect human.”

“What can I not do?”

My charm, became a weapon. My people pleasing tendencies, something to weaponise as a cover for vulnerability.

“You atleast used to be vulnerable before.. somewhat.”

All of it, combined into creating this very powerful piece of a character who doesn’t let the show stop. However, my paranoia of being watched, Increased day by day.

“Because I was scared.”

Scared to lose my friends, my fame, the validation I get from being charming but composed, beautiful but not dumb, funny but not disrespectful. Amazing right? A contradictory, one of a kind human.

“A perfect human.”

..Kindness. What even is kindness? Comforting someone when they are down? Or Comforting someone when they are down to look morally superior?

“I don’t cry like you.”

Everything about me served a single purpose. 

“Protect my heart, show them how flawless you are, how incredible, how..untouchable, unreachable..epitome of composure and don’t forget to let them know how smart you are. You are not all looks, If you will. You worked to look beautiful. Beauty is pain after all.”

We have a fight? No problem. I’ll lay out of all the facts so you know I did something for you, don’t fight me. I’ll counter you with logic. Kill them with kindness, Kill them with composure. You think “I’m too up my own ass?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be? I’m perfect aren’t I? YOU validated me. YOU made me like this. But I’m glad you did.”

Defences got stronger, I became resilient, body more capable of holding emotional power, leverage over people who hurt me became a priority instead of being vulnerable. I’m the bigger person.

“Anything to not be ridiculed again.”

“Anything. You want me to grow? Fine I’ll grow. But look at how perfect I am. Don’t challenge my view though. Please. Don’t make me understand that I’m in pain. Don’t ask me if I let my guard down with anyone. Don’t make me question my new fundamentals that I built at 19. You know I am perfect. I don’t people please. I don’t let people walk all over me. I have nothing to lose anymore. Nothing to be sad about. That old girl is gone. Right?”

….You know right?

“Vulnerability is for losers. Why do you want to be sad? Just move on. Why do you want to be negative? Just remember the good things in life. Don’t be negative, don’t be vulnerable, they hate you like that. They like a star, not a person. You’re above this. You can become even better.”

Flaws are inhumane.

A perfect being cannot have flaws, you are so admirable when you talk to the point. Your walls, the way you deal with things, is so mature. This new person? This new “respectful” person? I love her. This is how you are reborn. This is how you control things and the narrative.

To not feel like the sensitive person that you still are.

Grow up. Emotions are for losers.

“Just a permanent performance. That’s how everybody likes it, like you. You love to be loved don’t you?”

 The smiles, the stares, the spotlight effect for being so unique, the charm, the wit, the intelligence, it makes me feel so good. Finally everything about me is validated.

I worked for it! I did so much to be here! Don’t call it “born genius” or “born beautiful.” I did so much to be like this! To be this charming!

Whatever. I’ll smile and thank you, throw a joke if you’re into that.

“I hate being watched. He’s looking again. They’re gonna say hi to me. Don’t say hi to me. I don’t want to talk today. Please respect that. Leave me alone. I’m not even looking at you back. Please. I am not a star.  I’m like you.”

He looked again. She looked again. Ah, she’s going to come talk to me. Good. She should. What do I do? Be myself? Please her? What if she thinks I’m flawed? Oh right, I’ll be my best self. But..

“Fuck it. It’s a show. Go on.”

Tell her them how incredible you are. Matter of fact, show it.

While my body hated the feeling of being watched, my defence mechanisms increased by repeating the same rituals of perfectionism. Not because I wasn’t afraid, I was, but because I wanted to look like someone worth watching. Someone whose looks, personality, charm, wit, everything, keeps the show going. 

I’m so loved. I’m doing something right.

“Because they’re watching.”

This isn’t like before. They don’t just think I’m lovely, they think I’m respectful. They don’t think I’m too nice either, I set lines, boundaries, cut people off.

“But you still breakdown after losing them even if you deal with it in true composure.”

…Why? What am i doing wrong?