But you loved me, didn’t you??
…..Did you ever? Did you love me for who I am or loved an idealised version of me in your head? Did you ever acknowledge my pain or compartmentalised me as someone above you? An anomaly…A god?
It shattered. The reflection of me that I used to look into, My perfectly curated reflection, shattered by someone I deeply trusted.
…Or did I?
The lies I told myself to subtly gain the emotional upper hand, were being exposed, not to others, but to the “mature” woman I see in the mirror everyday.
The mirror did not show me a confident(ly scared) looking woman anymore. Not at all. What was in front of me, was a scarred woman, running away from her true self.
“Would you love me if I was not performing stability?”
A flawed human who, sadly, cared more about looking stable than having true emotional connections with people.
Broken into a million shards, the reflection of me was not composed or..beautiful, according to my old standards, not at all. It was quite the opposite.
“Will you even look at me anymore?”
Panic rose to my chest as I realised that I, very much, am still not perfect..still am human. Still am someone who feels deeply and wants to exist as herself, not perform.
All that performative, above all drama “maturity”, that self regulation which was more of a self sabotage… I saw the reality of it all.
Finally.
I saw my ritualistic dedication to avoidance…but where was my vulnerable side? Who even saw it?
“If you don’t break the pattern, it will haunt you until you submit.”
I cannot let my fears control me anymore.
An epiphany. A realisation which broke me free. Freed me from my paranoia of being too much. Broke my pattern.
It all clicked...a little by little, It truly did.
No amount of pretending could replace my sensitivity, my love for people, my insecurities OR my individuality.
It clicked.
“A carefully crafted image is doomed to fail.”
It can’t happen. They loved me. He loved my maturity. She loved my maturity. I’m fake!? I’m the closed off person??
…Because you’re a character with set dialogues, you don’t have things you struggle with, right?
She said she could count on me, He said he could count on me, then..why? how?
It clicked again.
“Emotional reciprocity cannot exist where a sense of superiority does.”
What a joy it is to be human.
I wonder…
Is it “real/necessary” boundaries or trying to control people I don’t trust into behaving a certain way?
Which one was true for me? The old me who loved and trusted people but couldn’t open up since she feared being too much? The self protective me, who knows what she wants and doesn’t want? The new self I’m becoming?
“What does integrating my polar selves mean? What is balance?”
“Self protection or erosion of trust?”
….A lot to ponder about. A lot to digest.
