Because he loves you.

Hobbies, a mere nuisance, are an obstacle to the truest form of atheistic salvation: independence.

If this so-called "hobby" does not synthesize into immediate wealth, it lacks practicality. And if it lacks practicality, it lacks hunger. The hunger in winners, in self-made billionaires, which gets them tunnel visioned for their goals. 

Remember, chance favors the prepared mind. Meaning, the one who is prepared, takes it all. How many times do I repeat the meaning till it’s engraved inside your brain?

If you’re doing something for mere pleasure, what's the use? Why do you even need to do something that doesn’t fit the ideal set standards of life?

It's a practical world, don’t you get it? There’s no time for sentiments. You don’t want to end up like him.

“You’re no writer, are you?”

In the time you blink, your peers will leave you behind. And about your “dream” or whatever, let me tell you, dreams are a privilege. Because I could never dream. It's for people who already have secure futures, so-

 

-“You can dream ONLY when you have the financial resources to make it into a reality, and a permanent source of-."

I... haven’t even tried... How is it already a failure? Do we not have-

-“I don’t have money for useless things. Don’t confuse my money for yours.”

….huh?

—

“Start the mental preparations. I’ll teach you how to become something like me. I’ll teach you the importance of independence, but you need to manage your own finances with what I offer and, of course, learn to not depend on anyone.”

"Especially not me.”

But…i-

“Listen. ‘Bad’ actions have catastrophic consequences. Irreversible consequences that will haunt you. Give THEM a reason to shame your pointless yet deeply emotional side until you end up dead. Opening up to anyone will bring you so much tragedy.”

All this, you know, has real consequences. Terrible ones. 

Damage to your perceived composed presentation in front of others, harm to your already fluctuating self-worth image, and your deeply isolating long-term reputation, which you built over years. It will also affect how THEY see you. THEY will humiliate you. Mark my words. They will shame you, like they did to me.

And then, they see YOU. A flawed human. Remember my words always.

You have no fallbacks, don’t even think of coming back to me. I warned you. 

—

My job is done.

You will soon understand that home is too safe compared to the evil, outside world. Outsiders are different. They will treat you like shit.. but oh, you’ll see, you’ll see it soon. You’re 12 now, after all.

…Indeed, I’m too young to know what the real world actually is. Dreaming is only for the ones who are financially secure. My home is so much safer than the demons waiting outside to shred me into pieces and to rob me of my humanity. I won’t let anything rob me of my logic, though.”

—

“He’s doing it because he loves you.”

“Because he loves me.”

“He’s doing it because he struggles with self-expression. It’s a bit extreme, but he means well.”

“Oh. So he’s saying all that because-"

“Yes. He wants you to be happy.”

-“Successful. And forget my humanity. Drown in improving myself till my vision blurs.”

“I’ll do it. I’ll do what he says…

“Because he loves me.”

One body. One bond.

As an impressionable young girl, I had dreams. Well, the kind of dreams that seemed…impractical to someone who loves me. 

But other than that, I had another dream. I wanted to be someone with a big heart.

“Kindness is a sham to oneself.”

A person who has a heart of gold, who sheds tears with the ones in pain, who cares a lot, and, of course, who loves a lot. People will-

“Think of you as a dense, manipulatable child. Use you, then discard you once they have successfully extracted what they need from you.”

-Be kind and empathetic to me, right? Then, I want to leave my mark in this precious world too. There are so many admirable things around. I see it, now that I’m growing up. You see it too right, d-

“Listen, you."

Little Miss Ignorant, I know the world. I have lived. Never loved. Being good gives you absolutely nothing in life. Because I left my emotions behind. I have seen it happen. Because I don’t trust anyone. Not even you. It’s better to be successful in life. And unhappy. It’s a rat race here. Which I keep falling deeper into; it's a cycle of despair. At least money will give you happiness. No human is worth anything. 

Money lives on forever. Wealth earns you respect from people and gives you a sense of security. Which distracts you temporarily from what you have become.

—…Which turns into long-term satisfaction. These people are...competitors...backstabbers, even. They see you as a tool. Loyalty should only be for oneself. Because I gave my trust to people blindly, they stepped all over me, and now I am afraid of even my own shadow.

One body. One bond.

The only person you can trust is yourself. Having the logic to power through gets you ahead in life. My decisions lack emotions; I no longer see the pain of the ones closest and dearest to me.

They will step on you. And then you’ll realize how flawed you are, how futile this whole "good heart” bullshit is.

Use your heart to think, make use of that bond with your own self, and pave your own way. Remember, everything is a source for creating generational wealth.

“So… my dreams and hobbies-"

 

You’ll know.​

A Perfect Human, Part 2

But you loved me, didn’t you?? 

…..Did you ever? Did you love me for who I am or loved an idealised version of me in your head? Did you ever acknowledge my pain or compartmentalised me as someone above you? An anomaly…A god?

It shattered. The reflection of me that I used to look into, My perfectly curated reflection, shattered by someone I deeply trusted. 

…Or did I?

The lies I told myself to subtly gain the emotional upper hand, were being exposed, not to others, but to the “mature” woman I see in the mirror everyday.

The mirror did not show me a confident(ly scared) looking woman anymore. Not at all. What was in front of me, was a scarred woman, running away from her true self. 

“Would you love me if I was not performing stability?”

A flawed human who, sadly, cared more about looking stable than having true emotional connections with people.

 Broken into a million shards, the reflection of me was not composed or..beautiful, according to my old standards, not at all. It was quite the opposite.

“Will you even look at me anymore?”

Panic rose to my chest as I realised that I, very much, am still not perfect..still am human. Still am someone who feels deeply and wants to exist as herself, not perform.

All that performative, above all drama “maturity”, that self regulation which was more of a self sabotage… I saw the reality of it all.

Finally.

I saw my ritualistic dedication to avoidance…but where was my vulnerable side? Who even saw it?

“If you don’t break the pattern, it will haunt you until you submit.”

I cannot let my fears control me anymore.

An epiphany. A realisation which broke me free. Freed me from my paranoia of being too much. Broke my pattern.

It all clicked...a little by little, It truly did. 

No amount of pretending could replace my sensitivity, my love for people, my insecurities OR my individuality.

It clicked.

“A carefully crafted image is doomed to fail.”

It can’t happen. They loved me. He loved my maturity. She loved my maturity. I’m fake!? I’m the closed off person??

…Because you’re a character with set dialogues, you don’t have things you struggle with, right?

She said she could count on me, He said he could count on me, then..why? how?

It clicked again.

“Emotional reciprocity cannot exist where a sense of superiority does.”

What a joy it is to be human.

I wonder…

Is it “real/necessary” boundaries or trying to control people I don’t trust into behaving a certain way?

Which one was true for me? The old me who loved and trusted people but couldn’t open up since she feared being too much? The self protective me, who knows what she wants and doesn’t want? The new self I’m becoming?

“What does integrating my polar selves mean? What is balance?”

“Self protection or erosion of trust?”

….A lot to ponder about.  A lot to digest.